Purpose Over Pleasing: Understanding the Difference and 4 Ways to Live on Purpose

If you’re anything like me, the urge to make everyone around you happy is a constant pressure in your life. It’s plagued you for so long that you probably don’t even notice it anymore, or what that feeling makes you do. You find yourself driving 6 hours in 1 day to be seen as a helpful daughter, or working late without getting paid to be seen as a good employee. You think that this makes you a good person, so you continue to do it, even if it actually hurts you in the process.

There’s a fine line between living a purpose driven life and living a people pleasing life. But, once you are able to distinguish the two, it’ll be easier to determine which one is dictating your behaviors.

What Is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is ultimately based in insecurity and a person’s need for validation from others to feel seen, loved, and appreciated. People pleasers are the ones who always agree, never push back, who are painfully aware of their own mistakes, but blind to the imperfections in people around them.

On the surface, people pleasers are selfless, great helpers, and high achievers; the ones that are always there for you. But beneath that façade is an endless sea of self-doubt. Being well-liked by everyone around them is their only protection, their lifeline. Without it, they’d be swept away by the riptide. It’s a dangerous addiction, only it’s hard to really see the consequences of that sort of lifestyle without also seeing the upsides.

When you’re a people pleaser, it can feel incredibly good to be “that person.” The one that everyone can count on, the one that everybody likes. And that sounds like a great way to live. It sounds like a servant’s mentality, which has been shown to actually be one of the most fulfilling mindsets to have in life. But the servant-style life and the people pleasing life are fundamentally different.

People pleasing is based in the desire to be liked by everyone, not the desire to serve them.

“That person” who shows up for everyone else rarely ever shows up for themselves. It’s truly a double-edged sword. On one side, people pleasers do live life in a manner that produces rewards. On the other, over time, people pleasers are more depressed, more anxious, and more burnt out than those around them because the driving force of their behavior isn’t love, it’s fear.

Why Do We People Please?

There’s been lots of speculation over the years as to why some people are people pleasers and others aren’t. But one thing rings true: people pleasers are usually made, not born. A people pleaser, according to this article from Psychology Today, usually has one or both of the fears listed below:

1. Fear of Rejection:

“If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they might leave or stop caring for me.”

This fear comes from an early experience of conditional love from either a parent or other important role model. It could be the act of a parent abandoning a child, being emotionally unavailable to that child, or just inconsistent with the child.

2. Fear of Failure:

“If I make a mistake, I will disappoint people and/or be punished.”

This fear comes from the highly critical parent, where you experienced punishment or humiliation for even the smallest of mistakes. This fear is also highly associated with anxiety.

Additionally, women are more likely to be people pleasers than men. Women face greater societal pressure to be agreeable and to be caretakers to those around them. Sound familiar?

It all boils down to the motivation behind your actions. People pleasers are motivated by their fear. Fear of never being good enough, of not being seen, heard, or loved. I’ve been there and back countless times, and it wasn’t until I realized how scared and anxious I was that I began to do the things necessary to change my inner narrative. To live a purpose driven life instead of a fear driven life.

Life on Purpose is Different

Living a purpose driven life is two-fold. You can live life on purpose daily, while embarking on a never-ending search for purpose over the course of your life.

Daily

Life on purpose every day looks like never letting a single day go to waste, which is so easy in our modern world. We are constantly bombarded with things that distract and derail us. Social media, television, drinking, drugs, the list goes on and on. Things that temporarily relieve pain or provide quick hits of dopamine, only to leave you feeling even more empty as time goes on.

Daily life on purpose recognizes the roadblocks that keep us unhappy and distracted and reminds us to prioritize the things that actually make us feel good in the long run. Exercise, self-reflection, prioritizing our relationships and and overall wellbeing. The things that will actually matter when you’re lying on your death bed.

The Search

But the search for purpose and meaning can also be more of an overarching theme, rather than just a daily goal. It’s recognizing that the probability of you and me actually getting to live is basically zero. When you break it down, about a million things needed to happen EXACTLY how they happened in order for YOU to exist. 

Ever hear of the butterfly effect? Just ONE thing could’ve gone differently over the course of thousands of years and you might have never been born. With that in mind, I believe we all have a calling, something that gives our life meaning and purpose. And I believe it’s our responsibility to embark on a journey that brings us as close as possible to that purpose.

Living on Purpose

I want you to romanticize your life. Because you only get one and I believe that no matter what you’ve been through, it’s beautiful. Because it’s uniquely yours. When I realized all of this, it was like I had been living with a bag over my head and I finally got the courage to rip it off. I had let my fear and pain and the constant noise of modern-day living rob me of my real life. But no more. I’m done with that, and you can be too.

But how? How do we stop people pleasing and, instead, live on purpose? How do we get rid of all the distractions?

The truth is, you’ll probably never be totally free from your people pleasing nature or every single distraction, but there are certain things you can do to minimize those things and maximize the quality of your life.

4 Ways To Live On Purpose Instead of Pleasing People

1. Process Your Pain and Fear

I’ve been there. This is not fun. It’s grueling work, and it can take a while depending on what you’ve dealt with over the course of your life. But it is immensely worth it. People pleasing stems from fear, and that fear is deep-seated. If you do the work (and I mean REALLY dig in), you can free yourself from that fear. Then you’ll be free from people pleasing, too. Trust me.

I used to care SO MUCH about what other people thought about me. Now, I post TikToks with messy hair and no makeup every day and literally couldn’t give a rip about what anyone has to say about it. Now, insult my mothering or my work ethic, and it’s a different story. I’m still on my journey, people…

2. Have Self-Awareness

Even if you can’t kick every single bad habit that you have, you should at least be aware of them.

Some things you can do/questions you can ask yourself to help be more aware of your roadblocks:

• Sit down and write out an average day in your life. Every detail. Waking up, snoozing the alarm, brushing your teeth, checking your phone, etc. Then, take a look at your average day and rate each habit as positive, negative, or neutral. Click the link to learn more about the Habit Scorecard, an idea presented in Atomic Habits by James Clear.

• Are there any places in my home that cause me to be distracted? For me, it’s my couch. When I sit on my couch, my immediate response is to either grab my phone or turn on the TV. Productivity crusher, for sure.

• When am I most likely to be distracted? Right before work? Right after? After dinner? What times of the day and in what situations do I gravitate towards a distraction rather than something that makes my life better in the long run?

• Are their people in my life that influence me to be more or less distracted?

• What do I want my average day to look like?

• What things are occupying my time and energy? Are they serving PRESENT me, or FUTURE me? In other words, are they actually benefiting me in the long run, or are they just making me feel good in the moment?

3. Be Okay With Imperfection

time x effort = improvement 

You won’t ever be rid of every distraction and you may not be able to stop people pleasing entirely. But that isn’t the goal. The goal is consistent effort. Because effort equals improvement when you multiply it by time. In order to stay consistent, you’ll have to be okay with imperfection. Especially early on. You won’t get it right every day. Chances are, you’ll get in wrong most days. But you’ll learn, you’ll grow, and eventually you will see positive changes in your life. You’ll look back in 1, 2, or 5 years and be absolutely amazed at how much you’ve grown.

4. Lean in to Living 

Find what makes you happy. I mean, TRULY happy. Not temporarily happy, but happy even when you aren’t doing the thing. Spending time with people who inspire you. Learning a new skill. Honestly, it’ll probably be multiple things. But the key to finding what makes you happy:

You have to start looking for it.

You have to be willing to try new things. To take risks. To do things that scare you, things that might be embarrassing or hard. Then, when you find what fills you up, what makes you smile when you think about it, chase it. Even when it’s hard or requires temporary sacrifice. Those are the things you’ll regret NOT doing.

Life is messy. It’s scary and beautiful and hard and soft and painful and fun and joyous and terrifying. Don’t get me wrong, it can be downright awful sometimes. And as a people pleaser, that terror of being viewed as a disappointment. As a failure? It feels paralyzing.

When those thoughts and feelings come. When they rob you of your joy and distract you from your true purpose, I want you to remember something:

At least we get to live.

We get to love our families and be proud of our children. We get to laugh and cry with our friends. We get to feel heartbreak and pain because we had something special to lose. Most people will never get the opportunity to live. Most people won’t get the opportunity to exist at all.

We get to try again and again and again to be better people today than we were yesterday. But eventually this all comes to an end and the only one that needs to feel good about the way your life went is you.

The good news is this:

While you can’t add more days in your life, you can add more life in your days.

Don't waste anymore trying to make everyone else happy. M'kay?