Oops, I Did It Again…

I feel like Britney Spears, y’all.

I fell off the wagon (again) last week. Which is disappointing, but not entirely surprising. So far, I’ve never really been able to stick to any sort of exercise and diet regime. I thought this time would be different because I’m different. I’ve been building habits consistently for almost 2 months now. But I guess I’m just not as “different” as I thought I was…

I started my period again last week. I didn’t realize how hopeful I was about getting pregnant this time around until I realized it wasn’t going to happen. It completely through me off course. I had been preparing to wake up early to work out, pushing through fatigue and morning sickness. I hadn’t prepared to push through sadness and disappointment.

So, I didn’t.

I’ve been pregnant twice now, and both times were sudden. Like, the first ovulation cycle after getting off birth control, sudden. After the miscarriage, I was pretty hopeful that we would get pregnant again relatively quickly. This was the first of three cycles where I thought we had a really good chance. And when it didn’t happen, this weight just settled on my heart and wouldn’t let me go. So, last week I didn’t do any of the things I’ve been doing so diligently for the last 2 months.

I’m not angry with myself. In fact, quite the opposite. The old me would have given up and immediately turned to self-loathing. I would’ve pummeled myself into submissive soup and decided I wasn’t worth the time it took to be healthy, then hated myself even more for quitting. Instead, I’ve used this time to figure out why this happened, and what I could do differently the next time around.

I’ve decided that my current problem is this:

When I think about proper diet and exercise, I still see a chore to be marked off a list.

When I wake up in the morning, I’m the opposite of excited about getting dressed in the dark and going downstairs to exercise for 30 minutes. I doubt I’ll ever be super jazzed about getting up at 5:30 a.m., but that’s beside the point. I don’t actually feel good about exercising until I’m done, when I can “mark it off the list” for the day.

After I exercise, the rest of my health habits depend on the kind of day I have. If I feel good and nothing crazy happens, I’ll probably eat good that day. If my day sucks, maybe I’ll grab a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbies and some Chic Fil A…

I’ve only been consistent when I’ve felt like being consistent. Which is a huge upgrade from not being consistent at all, but it isn’t where I want to be. The bright side is that I’ve felt like being consistent about 80% of the time, which, again, is WAY better than I was before. This just proves that I can prioritize the things I want in life, it’s just hard.

But life is hard. And it will never stop being hard. The days I have here on Earth are numbered, and they’ll come and go regardless of what I choose to fill them with. I can either waste them and, ultimately, shorten the time I have, or I can do everything in my power to maximize each and every second of my existence.

I ultimately have an attitude problem, and it won’t go away until I build up my endurance to being uncomfortable. There will always be something in life to drag me down. It won’t always be our fertility journey. It could be a personal illness, the health of a family member, a difficult situation at work, or literally any other circumstance that creeps into a busy life. Will I allow everything to take priority over my health and wellbeing? No. That sounds ridiculous when you think about it, but it’s so easy to allow how you feel to dictate what you do. At least, for me it is.

At the end of the day, I’m looking at this all wrong. I don’t HAVE to wake up and exercise, I GET to. I don’t have to eat right every day, I am BLESSED with the finances and time to eat as healthy as I can.

Sometimes I look back on life and see where God has worked all things for my good, but I’m usually looking back several years. Today, I can see how God worked in my week of inconsistency. Because what better time is there to remember how lucky we are than on the week of Thanksgiving?

Is life looking exactly how I thought it would? No. Does that make me sad? Yes, sometimes. Is it good anyways? Yes. A thousand times yes.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a family that loves me. Friends who would do anything for me. I have an able body. I know people who would give anything they have for that alone, people who wish they had the ability, the freedom, to move like I can. Yet so often I find myself dreading exercise. I have to remind myself how privileged I am to move my body.

Additionally, the simple fact that I am alive is a miracle all on its own. Think about it. Hundreds of people had to meet at exactly the right times across thousands of years for YOU to be born. The statistical probability that you are you and that I am me is basically 0. Yet here we all are.

I’m on the motivational side of TikTok (shocker, right?), and I remember seeing a video of Neal Degrasse Tyson saying:

“You are alive against stupendous odds. Most people who could exist will never be born.”

And it got me thinking. What’s the actual probability of getting to experience life on Earth?

Scientists suggest that it's approximately 1 in 400 trillion.

1 in 400,000,000,000,000.

I am the 1. YOU are the 1.

What are you doing with the life you’ve been given?

I’m not coming from a place of condemnation, here. I’m talking to myself, too. When I choose to wallow in my feelings, when I allow them to dictate my actions, what does that actually do for me? NOTHING. It WASTES my opportunity to live and love and be happy and experience all of the things this life has to offer.

All of the things that 400,000,000,000,000 people will never even get the opportunity to do.

All of the things that 400,000,000,000,000 people will never get to see. Or feel, or touch, or hear.

But I do. You do. We are the 1. And if that doesn’t convince you that you’re here for a reason, that you are here ON PURPOSE, then I don’t know what will.

Life is hard, no matter how you look at it. Bad things happen every day. Sometimes you can avoid them, other times you can’t. But that’ll be true regardless of what you do today or tomorrow. You can either allow the bad to dictate your life, or live well in spite of it.  

Exercise and eating for health instead of pleasure isn’t a chore. I’ve heard other creators say that exercise is just as important as basic hygiene, like brushing your teeth and taking a shower, and I would have to agree. So how can I get better at staying consistent?

I’m going to change my mindset.

Every time I find myself thinking something negative about exercise, I’m going to challenge that thought and choose to be grateful instead. If I win the battle in my mind, I’ll win it in real life.

If you also struggle with these things, sometimes all it takes to win that battle is saying it out loud. Take ownership of your attitude and speak life in place of death. When you’re exercising, or about to exercise, and you start thinking of all the excuses you have for staying in bed or on the couch, you could say:

“How lucky am I that I have a fully able body? How amazing is it that I can stretch and breathe and move exactly how I’m supposed to? I am so grateful for this body I have been given and proud to be responsible for its wellbeing.”

After last week, I’m reminded of just how important your mentality is. That alone has the power to shape the course of your life. Every action begins with an idea, and if the ideas you have about yourself aren’t leading to the life you want, then maybe it’s time to refresh your way of thinking. Once you bring awareness to the thoughts that are directing your steps, you can begin to take away their power.

In the words of C.G. Jung:

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

So, after “falling off the wagon,” I choose to get back on. After being disappointed, I choose to focus on my blessings. After spending the week of Thanksgiving in reflection, I choose to give thanks. I give thanks because I know I have the ability to do things differently. I give thanks for all of the good things in my life. I give thanks for my body and what it’s done for me. My feet have taken me to amazing places, my hands have held others close, my eyes have seen the wonders of the world, my womb has created life and blessed me with a child.

I choose to look at the life I get to experience and be glad. Even when things don’t go my way. Especially when things don’t go my way.

So here I am once again, writing on this blog, praying that my words help someone else feel blessed enough to take advantage of their own life. Because we only get 1.

1 in 400 trillion. You are the 1. The odds have been in your favor since the day you were born.

Isn’t that enough?