Life is Hard.

Have you ever done something just to prove to yourself that you could, even though it’s hard?

I have. But before I get into that, I want to address the elephant in the room.

It’s been over a year since my last post. My lifestyle blog about consistency and commitment has been neglected for an entire year. How ironic…

Unfortunately, the things we feel called to do are often the things we’re convinced not to do. My faith walk has seen better days, but I’m no stranger to the spiritual battle that constantly rages inside us. It’s no excuse, more of an explanation. I was under attack.

We had a second miscarriage. I tested positive in late December of 2024. We were so excited, but also scared. I felt like something was wrong. That pink line was so faint, and I just didn’t feel like I was actually pregnant. I tried to stay hopeful. I prayed all the prayers.

My hormone levels were too low to support a pregnancy and we lost it a few days later, the morning after Christmas. I felt numb. Angry. Defeated. After the second miscarriage, Kaden and I decided to take a break from trying to conceive. Our hearts were too heavy.

But God had other plans, because I got pregnant again IMMEDIATELY.

Our son, Theodore Jensen Sanders, was born on November 7^th of this year.  His name means “gift of God, Jehovah has favored.” We are OVERJOYED with the blessing of our sweet Teddy-kins, and I really can’t even begin to explain how grateful we are.

But I won’t lie. For 9 months, I struggled. Not only was this pregnancy much harder than my first, but I was also waiting for something to go wrong. Each day I tried to be strong enough on my own. Each day, I wasn’t.

The entire pregnancy wrecked me. We entered the never-ending cycle of sickness. I had pretty bad morning sickness, plus every time my toddler would get sick, she would get me me sick. I’m not talking the sneezes and a stuffy nose. I’m talking respiratory infections and the stomach flu... every 4 to 6 weeks...

As the pregnancy progressed, I had heartburn like you wouldn’t believe. I was weak and exhausted, and had the worst mood swings. Turns out I needed iron infusions due to severe anemia. Then, starting in Week 34, I had contractions almost every day around 2 a.m. and rarely got a full night's sleep.

Simultaneously, I was terrified. Each new day held another opportunity for loss. Every time I went to the bathroom I was afraid there would be blood. Every time I felt a sharp pain I thought something was going wrong. When he started kicking and would go a few hours without moving, I was convinced that he was dead. I couldn’t shake that ever present fear. Fear that I’ve talked and written about before. Fear that I thought I had already conquered.

After all the work I did on myself, after all the steps I took to be a better me, I felt like I had fallen back down that bottomless pit. I felt completely out of control. I had to find a way past my pain and fear so I could soak up the tender, fleeting joys of pregnancy. Surviving each day was not how I wanted to continue living. I needed something to focus my energy on, and I settled on the one thing I could control. I would deliver my son without an epidural.

My motivations were multi-faceted. I had a 36-hour labor with my firstborn, an epidural at hour 23, a second-degree tear during delivery, then an 8-week recovery process before I even came close to feeling normal again. This time, I wanted to feel what was happening in hopes of having a smoother birth and recovery process. I also wanted to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

And that’s exactly what I did. I labored with Teddy for 14 ½ hours, no epidural, no tearing.

I can do hard things. I can do things even when I don’t think I can or when I don’t see a path forward. I can do anything, and I proved that to myself when I welcomed my son into the world. I discovered that the issue is not the goal I have, but how I prepare for achieving the goal.

Once I entered the “safe zone” of pregnancy, I was able to breathe a little easier. I started researching and preparing for my labor. I made playlists, I bought a labor comb, I did the perennial massages (iykyk…), I bounced on a yoga ball, I focused on my breathing, I practiced visualization. You name it, I did it. The difference between how I prepared for birth versus how I’ve prepared for any other goal is this: I planned for things to change.

During labor, I planned for the playlists to get turned off. I planned for the aromatherapy to lose its calming effect, and I planned for the pain to make me think I couldn’t continue. I planned for it all, and more importantly, I planned for what I would do when I faced those situations.

Goals in life aren’t any different. They are all hard, otherwise they wouldn’t be goals and we would just do them. And, unfortunately, things always change. Never in my entire life have I set a goal for myself and not had to change course. Striving for something creates an environment where change happens naturally. Let me show you what I mean:

If you are striving to get a promotion, you'll probably start working harder. Working harder could lead to you being trusted with a big project. It's not the goal you set out to achieve, but the changes you made created the environment for a change to occur. If you have a weight loss goal and you start going to the gym, you'll need to wake up earlier. Waking up earlier will naturally lead to feeling tired earlier in the day. Eventually, you will need to adjust when you go to bed if you still want to achieve your weight loss goal. Change begets change.

When I started this blog, I didn't plan for change, but especially not the huge emotional roller coaster I got strapped in to. Since I wasn't ready, the weight of my experiences caused me to stopped writing. The miscarriage and my pregnancy with Teddy were both massive emotional changes, albeit totally different. I still felt called to write and share my experiences, but I didn't. Then, not writing made me feel like a fraud. I started this lifestyle blog about living with purpose and consistency, yet I couldn’t even do it myself. How crappy is that?

I kept telling myself it was justified. I was just too sick, too tired. Now, I realize the problem was that I was just too afraid. Afraid of what people would think of me if they saw that I struggled with the very thing I’m passionate about. Afraid of saying the wrong thing or being viewed as weak for letting my circumstances drag me under. Afraid to pursue my crazy dreams because they might not come true.

I don't know about you, but I am fed up with living in fear.

Life is too precious to waste it worrying about things or people that we can't control.

I'm on a journey, and before I lost my second baby, I forgot that this particular journey has no destination. It is a constant search for fulfillment, a forever walk towards purpose and passion. It's something I will be striving for regardless of my circumstances. Once again, I've decided to embrace the search for meaning in my life in hopes of inspiring others to do the same. I never really stopped searching, but I did stop sharing. I want to discover who I can be; that elusive version of myself that only I can unlock. And I want to help you find that person within yourself, too.

So I won't wait to share my experiences until I find the “right” thing to say. I won't continue living my life in fear.

Will I be perfect? Absolutely not.

Will I achieve everything I currently have my heart set on? Hopefully.

Will I falter along the way? Definitely.

But, again, this is a never-ending journey. As long as we keep moving, we're right where we need to be.

I'm humbly asking you to join me on my search. I won't be perfect. Not even close. But each day, I'll try to be a better me than the day before. I am not an influencer. I'm just a regular woman living a regular life. But I want to live life WELL. I want to look back and feel happy with all I was able to do and be. And I want you to feel the same.

Let's do it imperfectly together.<3