Identity Part 1: Who Are You?

"`Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'" (Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, ch.5)

Like Alice, I struggled with my identity. I've never fallen down a rabbit hole and been shrunk to a third of my size, but I never really felt like I fit in anywhere, especially when I was younger. I was a mixed kid, with crazy, curly hair and a big personality. I wasn't black enough to be accepted by other black kids, and I wasn't white enough to be accepted by other white kids. Most of the time, I was put in whichever box that was the most convenient for my peers in that moment. If you're mixed (of any race), I'm sure you understand exactly what I mean.

But it wasn't just about what I looked like. I never felt like I fit in to any group. I wasn't musically gifted enough to be a music kid. I could sorta play the piano, but never any better than the few bars of Ave Maria I memorized. I was smart, but wasn't a member of the "Gifted and Talented" programs we had growing up. I was decent at arts & crafts, but was never considered "artsy" or particularly gifted in that area. I was never really good at any sports. I was altogether average. Good at lots of things, not really great at anything.

I didn't know it then, but these feelings I had, the inadequacy I dealt with when I was a child, wasn't my fault. I felt this way not necessarily because of my lack of "natural" gifts, but because I had very little encouragement and nurturing when I needed it. My identity had already been determined by the people around me. And at that point in my life, I didn't have the tools to fight the conclusions my mind had come to.

Shoutout to therapy... I couldn't have made it this far without you!

Where Your Identity Comes From

When we are young, we are impressionable. No matter who you are or what your parents were like, the actions of the people who raised you determine a LOT about who you are today. Maybe you've already done some work to figure out the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of your identity. Maybe you haven't. Regardless, we all start off in the same boat.

We all get to this world the same way. We are all babies, then infants, toddlers and then children. We are all imperfect, all naive, and all curious about the world that we live in. And then, other people get ahold of us and (whether they mean to or not) tell us who we are.

What did they tell you?

Frankly, I wasn't told much of anything. My parents were VERY young when they had me. They were still figuring out who they were supposed to be. So, when I came along, it was a "blind leading the blind" situation. They did the best they could, and I don't fault them for how I grew up. At least, not anymore (another point for therapy...).

My parents loved me, that much I know for sure. But besides that, my early childhood lacked any type of guidance and instruction beyond "don't touch that" and "you better act right." My parents got divorced when I was about 4, and every moment from then until I was about 6 or 7 was... intense, to say the least. About that same time, I started the part of school where you actually bring home report cards. I brought home my first all A's report card, and...

My parents lit up. Naturally, they were proud of me. And I latched on and never let go. My identity became about what I could achieve.

Was this intentional? Absolutely not. But it was just as powerful as someone physically telling me that I had to be excellent in order to deserve attention and love. So I worked harder, tried harder.

My entire identity, until recently, was based on my ability to do well in whatever I was invested in. Do me a fave and reread the paragraph above where I talked about all the groups I didn't fit in to. Listen to the language I used. If my identity was based on my love of trying new things, or my ability to be creative, I definitely would've felt like I fit in to at least one of those circles. But at that time, it wasn't. It was based on my achievements compared to the rest of the group. If I wasn't the best, it clearly wasn't for me.

Your identity has the power to shape the trajectory of your life. It's the guiding force for all our decisions, whether we are aware of it or not. It's a lens through which we see the world. Depending on how yours was shaped, that lens will either magnify the truth about you, or distort it.

Therapy (Wait! Hear Me Out!)

It took me a very, very long time to figure out that 75% of what I believed about myself was false. It took an extremely painful situation for me to see the holes in my logic. And it took help. Lots of help, to put the pieces of my heart back together. Help from what? You guessed it... therapy!

But in all seriousness, I needed someone to help me see the parts of myself that I had hidden away. Parts of myself that I forgot existed. Therapy can definitely be scary and lots of people think it's silly to pay someone to listen to your problems. But let me challenge that belief.

Therapy isn't just telling someone your problems. It's giving an unbiased spectator permission to tell you things about yourself that you forgot were true. That alone is worth it's weight in gold.

My therapist did just that. I explained to her all of the things that I struggled with, past and present. She gave me great tools to use whenever I felt like I needed them, but she also saw ME. Not the me I had presented to my friends and family. Not the carefully curated, highly successful (on the surface) individual I presented to the world. No, she saw the young woman I was, the kind heart I had, the determination I showed in doing everything I could do to provide a good life for my children. And she helped me to see those pieces of myself, too. To see who I actually was, and who I could be. I'm kindhearted, carefree, bubbly, intelligent, I love with reckless abandon, and I'm incredibly capable. The things I want for myself and my family are something that I have taken ownership of, and my actions are a direct reflection of those truths.

I am unique. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am worthy of love.

And so are you.

Once I was able to accept the truth (the real truth) about who I was, I was able to step into my life with newfound purpose and direction. I took control of my identity. I stopped being so scared about what people thought of me. I quit worrying about being the best at any given moment. I started allowing myself to unapologetically make mistakes, and I quit punishing myself for them. Like right now, I was supposed to have this article posted, like, 4 days ago. Instead of quitting on myself, like my old identity would've recommended, I'm still here, fulfilling my purpose. I am slowly allowing myself to be me, the me that I was created to be, not the one I had turned myself into.

I encourage you to own your identity. Stop believing the lies told to you by other people. Only you know who you are, and only you have the power to change those things about yourself. And if you can't do it on your own, find someone to help you along. It doesn't even have to be a therapist, although I bet that would the most efficient option. If you do decide to take that step, don't give up if you don't click with the first one you try! Keep in mind that therapists are people too. We all have different personalities and quirks, and sometimes they can clash.

If you aren't ready to take that step, you can pick anyone you trust, or who's opinion you value. As long as you can also trust them to be honest with you, even if you don't want to hear it.

After all this, you might be thinking: "Okay, HOW do I own my identity? And how do I change it if it doesn't align with what I want it to be?"

In my next article, you can read about what to do if your current identity and your true identity aren't the same. It won't be easy, but it will be the most rewarding experience of your life, if you truly wish to change.

Are you ready?