If Mom Isn’t Happy, No One Is: A Reflection on Motherhood

The Morning Rush

Occasionally, I have to take Bri to daycare in the mornings because Kaden has to leave early for work. We had one of those days a few weeks ago. I crawled out of bed after not getting enough sleep, showered, and got everyone ready to go. This entailed a round of Mortal Kombat while I did my daughter’s hair and a few tears from all parties involved.

We walked outside into the crisp morning air and loaded up in my Explorer. The baby screamed, and he didn’t stop until the car was in a state of perpetual motion. After a harrowing 25-minute journey, we arrived at daycare, and I got Bri signed in. Finally, with the hard part out of the way, my smile returned. I gave Bri a big hug, told her I love her, and wished her the best day with her friends and teachers.

The Drive Home

I got back in the car and started making my way home. The sun was still rising, and I admired the warm rays on my journey back. I turned on some music, planning to decompress with some tunes until I arrived, but as I exited off the highway, something caught my eye.

There, on the back of the SUV in front of me, was a bumper sticker. Now, I’ve seen countless bumper stickers before. Some have warranted a chuckle—Honk if you like bird watching! Don’t follow me, I’m lost too! Others initiated an eye roll. You know the ones—those female silhouettes on the back of jacked-up pickup trucks? Yeah, those.

But this one really made me stop and think. It said:

“If mom isn’t happy, no one is.”

A Harmless Statement?

At first glance, it’s a pretty harmless statement. But it gave me pause because, sadly, it’s true. How many times have I absolutely ruined my family’s day because I was in a bad mood? How many other mothers can say the same thing? Probably most of us.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes we’re upset because of our family. You’re rushing out the door, late for church because the toddler wouldn’t put on her shoes. You ran out of time to do your hair and makeup because you were getting the kids ready, but your husband was ready 30 minutes before you had to leave. The house is dirty. The kids are screaming. The dog is barking. The cat threw up on the rug. You still have to figure out what’s for dinner!

Moms are in a constant state of overwhelm, which quickly translates to a bad attitude.

The Weight of Expectations

Some of us are more immune to the effects of being overwhelmed than others. Some moms seem to get everything done, even the hard things like working out, reading for personal growth, and eating salad. Meanwhile, others, myself included, resort to the occasional slammed door and pillow-muted scream to get through the day. But ruining things for our family is never the intent.

I tried to think of a time when I was unhappy, for whatever reason, and I didn't make it my family’s problem, or at least my husband’s problem. It took me a really long time. Oof.

The thing is, I don’t set out to make everyone around me unhappy when things don’t go my way. I don’t want to be that mom. I don’t want to be that wife. I want to be my family’s safe place, not the source of their torment. Sound familiar?

A Moment of Reflection

That’s why when I saw this bumper sticker, it completely threw me for a loop. That phrase, “if mom isn’t happy, no one is,” is a quiet truth that we all know. It’s just that I had never seen it proudly displayed like a badge of honor.

It made me feel… confused. On one hand, I completely understand how difficult it can be to put your own feelings and emotions aside for the good of your family, or even for the sake of an experience. Dwelling on the chaos of the day and allowing it to ruin the rest of the day is too easy. I literally catch myself doing it ALL THE FRIGGIN’ TIME.

But that’s the confusing part. I catch myself doing it and then immediately try to course-correct because making everything about me isn’t fair to my family. It isn’t fair to anyone around me, actually. This bumper sticker told me that some people don’t do that at all. It’s just expected that everyone bends to mom’s emotional state.

Curating Happiness

Like I said earlier, it might just be a harmless phrase on the back of someone’s car, and it’s probably not as deep as I’m making it out to be. Plus, each family is different. A healthy dynamic for one family might look super crazy to another family. I’m not pointing out the sticker for the purpose of judgment, but my own personal self-reflection.

Because I don’t want to be the source of my family’s happiness. I want to be a multiplier of their happiness.

I want them to find happiness all around them, even when I’m unhappy. Especially when I’m unhappy. I want my family to know that they are not responsible for how I feel because I know what it feels like to be made responsible for the emotional well-being of a parent. It’s exhausting.

Mom is a Safe Space

When I think about my children and the relationship that we have, I want them to see me as a safe space. To remember my embrace, my unwavering love, and know that I’ll always be exactly what they need, whenever they need it. I’m the healer, their helper. I’m home.

It can be especially hard to reach that ideal form of motherhood when your children are small and wild. At least, it’s hard for me. I can’t speak for everyone. Some of you may have perfectly well-behaved toddlers who never sneak into the pantry at 6 a.m. and steal all the fruit snacks.

But I hope you try. I hope every single day that your babies are home with you, each one is a new opportunity to show them just how much you love them. Even when they tick you off. Even when work has you stressed to the max. Even when… fill in the blank. You never know what good moments you are missing out on by dwelling on the bad ones.

Cherishing the Moments

We really don’t know how good it is until it’s gone. It’s such a cliché, but everyone AND their mother can attest to it. Right now, the days where you’re most likely to be unhappy or overwhelmed will also be the days you’ll wish you could return to. When you’re 80 years old, thinking back to the beautiful, full life that you’ve lived, you’ll squeeze your eyes shut and pray that when they open, your children will be small again. You’ll want to go back to when you could hold them in your arms and rock them to sleep. When they ran to you with joy lighting up the little dimples in their cheeks. When they told you everything they were thinking and feeling.

You won’t always be happy. In fact, you’ll probably be a bit of a wreck nine times out of ten. But that doesn’t mean we have to offload our burdens onto the shoulders of our children. We’re stronger than that. And more importantly, they deserve better than that.

The Path to Improvement

You also won’t get it right every time, but if you live with the intention of being a better parent each day, you will get better. Then you can add a different bumper sticker to the back of your minivan (don’t play dumb, we’ll all own one eventually…). One that says something like:

I love making my family happy.

Too cheesy? Maybe. But isn’t that what we all want? To create a home filled with laughter, love, and happiness? So let’s strive for that together, one day at a time.